Surviving Summer (E6)

Day 6: Saturday. The weekend. Except the weekend holds little of the glittering promise it once did pre kids. It just means there are two of you to herd children instead of one.

I did manage some beach time again today. It rained. Again. Seems to be standard these days-positively tropical weather for the couple of months prior to school breaking up, and then as soon as holidays hit-instant winter.

Anyway, the headspace was much needed. I was all by myself, which is simultaneously indulgent (no kids spouting endless questions at me, no B-boy to chase like a loon) and a sucker punch (no kids, no B-boy to chase like a loon). Let me explain. My head is noisy; constantly full of All The Things. Practical chaos, emotional chaos, coping chaos... you get the gist. When I'm busy it kind of drowns the noise out for a while-I don't have time to focus on the chaos. When I'm on my own that same chaos gets so noisy it demands my attention. I'm forced to think about stuff. Difficult stuff. It's often the deal-as soon as you stop you kinda crash and burn.

It's incredibly hard to explain the rollercoaster of living in constant chronic madness. Humans are much better at the acute thing-the stuff where there's an end point. An end point means you can move on, or at least adapt to the new scenario. Living with evolving complex disability is another thing entirely. It's a hot potato topic whose awkwardness generally makes people run a mile.

Today, in the chunk of free time I had, I felt shit. It is what it is. It's also frustrating as fuck that in those small sought after spaces the fun is often squished out by knackeredness or emotional processing bullshit. Don't get me wrong, I do try and make the most of the time outs, but today was just a bit... meh.

High on the agenda right now is the birthday thing. It's birthday season in our house-Teen Queen, then me, then B-boy, then the Drama Diva all in the space of six weeks. My mum shared a birthday (and subsequently a special connection) with middle girl, and since she died unexpectedly a few years ago summer has always been tinged with sadness. Add to that trying to celebrate a kid who doesn't actually even know it's his birthday and still plays with baby toys, well, I'm sure you catch my drift. Having a foot in both camps re: special needs/typical is especially tricky at times like this.

So yeah. Saturday. Sorry it's not very cheery. But such is life. I prefer messy and real to fake and tidy anyday. Fake sucks way too much energy from the little I don't have.

Enjoy your evening. Get the beers in. No judgment here..


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