All the things no one told you about becoming a mum (and some things you wished they had)

1-At some point in your parenting career you will accidentally ingest your child's faecal matter. Usually in the process of determining whether it's mashed dribbly biscuit or shit on your trousers.

2-Your hoo-hah will never be the same again. This, dear friends, is truth. No amount of pelvic floor exercises can make up for the fact you have pushed a watermelon sized object out of a much smaller sized orifice. And probably needed stitching up afterwards. That shit ain't so fun.
Of course, if you have a C-sec, this won't apply. In which case, I am very happy for you. Really. Very delighted, in fact, for you and your in-tact vagina.

3-The more you convince yourself you will not be that parent- the one whose kid throws those shit fits-the more likely you are to birth Jodie from the Amityville Horror. Karma's a bitch man.

4-You've not felt pain until you've stepped on a lego brick. You also realise your levels of self control while trying not to shout the C-word at top volume in response to aforementioned bastarding lego brick.

5-Trying to pick a name for your baby suddenly highlights how many people you actually hate.

6-You will undoubtedly have to deal with the look of sheer horror from a stranger as you spray them with human milk, usually in a cafĂ© context when your baby decides the surrounding environment is far more interesting than feeding, and pulls off right at the crucial moment. Cue fountainous milk squirtage- soaking and sticky-fying everything within a two metre radius. Go go gadget boobs.

7-All toddlers have a death wish. Accept this fact. Keeping them alive is about all you can hope for.

8-A word of warning- encouraging open conversation can have it's downsides. 'Mummy, this is strangling my vagina' is not a particularly socially appropriate phrase when out in public. In fairness, her leggings were too small- and we've all been there, right ladies? But still.

9-You would definitely trade your soul for a night of uninterrupted sleep. You'd consider trading your soul for an hour of uninterrupted sleep.

10-Your child WILL shit in the bath (lovingly referred to in our house as a shituation) and you will instinctively scoop it out bare handed. Who knows why, but you will.

11-If you are one of the unlucky ones, your child will shit in the public swimming pool. You will instinctively swish it to dispel, and run away.

12-Ice creams were made for dropping headfirst on the floor. Gravelly ice cream is perfectly acceptable to hand back to your child, even if you'd never touch it in a million years.

13-Hangovers and school runs are not compatible. Hangovers and soft play even less so. Dragging your hangin' self to a fluorescently-lit environment full of shrieky children will never be a good plan.

14-Once you have a kid, you honestly can't remember what life was like without them. I'm convinced this is nature's way of ensuring we don't abandon or eat our young like so many other species in the animal kingdom.

15-You'll think your kid is the most amazing, beautiful, intelligent, awesome creation on the planet... When they're sleeping. The rest of the time you'll fantasise about selling them on eBay.

Solidarity to all you mums out there, managing to juggle a million balls AND keep their children alive. Kudos and respect.




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