Revelations of a Slummy Mummy

Day 7: Sunday Funday Confession time. I appear to have raised a criminal. On arriving home after being out with the B-boy all morning, I stumbled across a package I had not officially purchased in the bottom of his buggy. In fairness, the kid did good. The offending item may or may not have been looted from a certain mega-chain coffee shop rhyming with Far-Pucks. Coffee beans. Excellent choice sir. B is pretty grabby at the best of times... anything within his reach really- people, stuff, cups of tea on shelves. I must have steered him too close to the epic mountain of coffee bean packs. Oops. In our house, everything is B-proof, but out and about, preventing disaster wherever we rock up can be a challenge. I have to leave a pretty wide berth either side of the buggy or he ends up grabbing people as they saunter past. Today he tapped a lady on the boob at the park.. I was chasing him, but didn't quite get there in time, and she was bent down with a small person, at the most awk...

Day 6: Saturday. The weekend. Except the weekend holds little of the glittering promise it once did pre kids. It just means there are two of you to herd children instead of one. I did manage some beach time again today. It rained. Again. Seems to be standard these days-positively tropical weather for the couple of months prior to school breaking up, and then as soon as holidays hit-instant winter. Anyway, the headspace was much needed. I was all by myself, which is simultaneously indulgent (no kids spouting endless questions at me, no B-boy to chase like a loon) and a sucker punch (no kids, no B-boy to chase like a loon). Let me explain. My head is noisy; constantly full of All The Things. Practical chaos, emotional chaos, coping chaos... you get the gist. When I'm busy it kind of drowns the noise out for a while-I don't have time to focus on the chaos. When I'm on my own that same chaos gets so noisy it demands my attention. I'm forced to think about stuff. D...

Day Five: FRIDAY! I'm excited it's Friday because it means I've managed to keep all four kids alive for one whole week of the summer holidays. High fives to me. Today the weather was shit. I got wet. The B-boy had an awesome lady carer at his disposal all day, the girls got to go to a group that runs during holidays for siblings of children like B, and I realised that I had precisely 3 days to get sorted for his 10th birthday. Cue frantic running around, Amazoning, and gener ally feeling ragey at life as I searched in baby/toddler aisles for a present B might actually take a second look at. I didn't sleep well last night. It's a lesser known side effect of having a brain on constant high alert. Imagine Google with a zillion tabs open. That. As a result the birthday stuff hit me harder. B has also reverted to mostly beige pump shit, for reasons unknown to man and beast. On the upside, I managed a one-second haircut in the bath last night (B's not mine...

Day Four: Back to surviving. The small people I borrowed yesterday ended up sleeping over. I'm sure I could make money loaning out Little Miss Mouth for her powers of persuasion. She rallied her mates and they basically took it in turns to plead until eventually I relented for the sake of my sanity. Parenting level: pitiful. Plus the B-boy was in overnight respite having his very own sleepover which meant looking after extra kids was actually possible. They woke up at the un godly hour of 4:49. I ignored them, and the banging in the kitchen, and the mess I knew they were probably making getting 'breakfast' (aka shitty sugary cereal which they are only allowed in the holidays, btw *smug nod*). When I did finally decide to face the music, I found them piled up on every single cushion/sofa/blanket item we own. Kinda cute really. B was out and about today, and the weather wasn't exactly beach-worthy, so I seized the opportunity to take the middle two to Despicable M...

Day Three (hundred and seventy nine... nah, just kidding. Actual day three) WINNING AT LIFE! The B-boy slept until 10:40. TEN EFFING FORTY! This was especially epic since today I was flying solo with all four. And it was pissing down with rain. Anyone with an ADHD child will confirm these small watery droplets from the sky are tears of wrath direct from Satan himself. I was thankful for B's considerate lie in, and assume he must be slowly currying favour for all those years h e didn't sleep. Didn't sleep as in I was a legitimate danger to society in every life scenario-such was the level of my sleep deprivation. So, anyway, before sleeping beauty awoke, I got in a dough-making session with Little Miss Mouth, and planned a playdate for two of her friends to come over. Having extra kids over may seem like an insane idea, but actually there is method in my madness. Smallest girl is a fourth child. Smallest girl is used to having a zillion people in her face at all time...

Day 2. I appear to have been caught in a time warp. What is apparently day two of the school holidays actually feels like day 297... Today I wasn't solo, I had help in the form of one of our awesome carers. Teen Queen and the Drama Diva were out being sociable, which left me with Little Miss Mouth and B. All was going well until B woke up. He wasn't happy with life this morning, and point blank refused to get in the Carer's car because he wanted to go in ours thank you very  much. Eventually I bundled him in, and firmly told him he was going to Adventure Wonderland, and he was going to have fun (with as much fake-it-til-you-make-it as I could manage). They drove off, B screaming. And I felt shitty that nothing is doable together because of his crazy level needs. It stinks. Carer told me he calmed down pretty quickly but had to battle tourists and summer chaos at Adventure Wonderland. B doesn't do well with personal space invasion, and tends to respond by pushi...

Summer Holiday Log Day One, 24th July 2017 We appear to have been invaded by body snatchers. My normally polite, nice (if feisty) children have been swapped out for incessantly hungry, incessantly bored little shits who do nothing but try and punch each other and mouth off at every other human in the vicinity. Today I was solo with all four, although the Teen Queen had made her own plans, which was both helpful and not since she's the best bet for sensible. Attempted Moors Valley. B highly unimpressed and wanted to sit in his buggy and be pushed around like a Lord. Trying to help him on the play trail resulted in crushed arse cheeks and wood-chipped knees, not to mention the indignity of crawling round in the mud while trying to save every other kid that got too close from being pinched. Drama Diva and Little Miss Mouth amused themselves by sometimes playing together nicely and sometimes screaming at each other. Drama Diva has suddenly decided she needs an opinion on EV...